Wow, what a week it has been!
The full moon has had its influence, too.
As you maybe know, I traveled to London last week to meet Marie Forleo for her "Everything is Figureoutable" book tour. I had a blast!
And I also enjoyed meeting fellow B-Schoolers at the pre-event meeting.
You can re-watch my Instagram story here.
As a Projector in a Generator world, traveling doesn't always come easy. Being around that many people, so close together in a train, meeting room or venue, can be draining for sure.
It's a good thing to go on "borrowed" Sacral energy from people who have their Sacral Centers defined (Generators and Manifesting Generators), but there always comes a time that you need to disconnect from others and re-connect with your own energy, to be able to get the necessary rest and a good night's sleep.
I was raised by two Projectors. My only (younger) brother is a Generator.
In our family, I felt like being split in half: growing up in my warm and safe home, where everything slowed down, but isolated from the world around me. And having to participate in a fast-paced, harsh world, where I had to keep up and fit in.
Still, I managed to disconnect from other people, because at home I did get that chance, whenever I wanted. Our house was surrounded by a beautiful garden, in the countryside, and even when we went on vacation, we always tried to find a place as far from people as possible.
But then you grow up. You go to college, renting a room in a student's house, being around people all the time. They didn't get me, and I started to think something was seriously wrong with me. I didn't know that I manage my energy in a totally different way than most of the people around me. I crashed and burned numerous times.
Fast forward to 2014.
That was the year I finally started taking care of myself, regardless of what people thought of me. It was a difficult time for me, and it took me at least another three years to feel more comfortable around saying "no" and disappointing people.
But even today, I'm struggling at times.
I believe it's part of the journey as a Projector because we're still very much living in a Generator world. It's bound to happen that you encounter people who just don't understand how you're wired, who criticize you for being selfish, unreachable, asocial, or downright weak.
I have learned that those people are not the people I'm supposed to be around. From those people, I consciously take my distance. Of course, that is not easy when it concerns family (in-law).
But it's the only way: as a Projector, you need to be super careful investing your precious energy. Your energy is hardly sustainable. It will eventually run out if you don't take care of yourself.
My teacher, Karen Curry Parker, even believes that most Projectors are doomed to burnout at least once in their lives, mostly around 35 to 40 years of age. Well, I had my first burnout at age 20, and because I didn't understand what happened to me, it turned into a full-blown anxiety disorder at age 35.
In those 15 years, I was convinced that something was seriously wrong with me. I was obsessed with finding that missing piece so that I could finally go along with society, being the model citizen that was expected from me.
Guess again, that didn't work at all.
When I finally hit rock-bottom, I realized that what I saw as a dangerous "flaw", was just the way I was wired. There wasn't anything wrong with me. On the contrary, the world was wrong for me, and I needed to make crucial adjustments in the way I lived my life.
I started taking those steps long before I even discovered Human Design.
So, even if you don't know anything about Human Design, deep inside, you are designed to always align with what is right for you. Your body has that wisdom, and it's only a matter of listening to that inner guidance.
Going against your own nature is what costs us so much energy. It's what burns us out. It's what makes us miserable and exhausted.
If we would only let go of the story of who we're supposed to be and just listened to that voice inside, who guides us in the right direction, life would be so much easier.
But that's the thing: living in a Generator world, you are constantly bombarded with the Generator way of life. Even though this world is not always suitable for Generators as well, they tend to cope most of the time. They tend to push through and succeed anyway. They have the energy to do that. They even have the energy to stay in an unhealthy situation, far longer than any Projector could.
It gives us, Projectors, the feeling that we are not strong enough, that something is wrong with us, that we just have to push through and not give up.
But that behavior results in the many burnouts, mental illnesses, and auto-immune diseases we see today. We literally break our bodies. We get in the way of healing and happiness, by insisting on living the Generator life.
Now that I did discover Human Design, it also came to my knowledge that I am a Projector, living amongst Generators. I'm serious: ALL of my friends, my partner, and most of my clients are Generators or Manifesting Generators.
There's only one other type in my friend's circle: a Reflector, and honestly, I was so surprised to discover she's a Reflector because I really didn't see that in her. And then it hit me: she also lives amongst Generators, and therefore she's mirroring precisely that.
At this time, I'm actually writing a letter to my friends, to explain why I'm wired the way I am. I used to use the word "highly sensitive" in the past, but it doesn't really cover the whole package-deal that I am.
My friends don't really understand why I haven't organized a party for my 40th birthday. They were confused and didn't get me any birthday presents because of it. I was hurt. I felt misunderstood. I felt punished for not doing what they do: organizing a party.
And then you have a choice as a Projector.
You have to ask yourself: are these the people you want to keep investing energy in? Or is it time to go separate ways? And if you're going to keep investing energy, what needs to change to have sustainable, healthy relationships with them? What do they need to know so that you all can make a conscious decision whether to level-up together or go separate ways?
In my letter, I explain why organizing a party is not what brings me joy. I explain how my energy is managed and what the differences are between their energy management and mine. I also tell them what's important for me to feel safe and appreciated in a friendship.
And I let them know how I feel being the only one in our friend's circle who didn't get a birthday present. I'm no different having an inner child who also has feelings and wants to be loved, despite making different choices as a Projector adult.
It's scary because I'm very vulnerable, writing a letter like that.
But this is who I am. This is my authentic self. And to have healthy relationships, people need to know me. And I need to show myself authentically. Only then all of us can make a conscious decision whether to further invest in our friendships or not.
Friendship is not about pleasing others. It is not about trying to fit in and adjusting to how others are wired. It's not about keeping the peace.
It's about being honest, showing up both for good and bad times. It's daring to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable because you want people to know you. It's daring to have hard conversations, even though it could result in rejection.
For us, Projectors, it is crucial to be around the "right" people. To work with the "right" people. To have fun with the "right" people.
Those people are the people who stick around when you are your Projector self. Those are the people who don't expect you to be like them, Generators, or Manifesting Generators. Those are the people who hold space for you to be a Projector, and therefore, to be as authentic as you can be.
So yeah... this full moon is also about letting go of the things (and people) that don't serve you anymore. For people with undefined or open Splenic Centers, that can be a big challenge. It's also a challenge if you struggle with your self-worth (Ego Center). And it is especially challenging if you're a Projector amongst Generator types with an undefined Splenic and Ego Center (or even G Center).
But you can do it!
If I can do it, and survive, you can do it, too (and survive).
I love to be your Projector support if you feel like support is what you need.
Projectors are the only people who can really understand how it feels to live in a Generator world, while not being a Generator.
Reflectors and Manifestors can understand it, too, but remember that they're wired differently, and experience the world a bit different than you.
How will my Generator friends react?
I have no idea. But I'm open to whatever is handed to me, and I'm sure I will be able to figure it out when the time is right. I trust the Universe on that.
Do you often struggle as a Projector amongst Generators?
You are definitely not alone.
Share your story.
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